Life Coaching for Parents: Taking a Teen to a Funeral, Explaining what to expect

Teens and Funerals

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You are going to think I’m weird

You are going to think I’m weird but since I just talked with my Launching Girl Leaders about your weirdness being an important sign, coming from your essence, I figure I should let my freak flag fly and tell you, I actually like going to funerals. I have two this week and I love the opportunity to come together and collectively celebrate the essence of this person. There may be a detail or two about their accomplishments but mostly, people speak about who they were: their unique personality, loves, joys, their weird and wonderful ways. Instead of putting on a social facade, there is a vibe of authenticity and genuine emotions. It’s also a great chance to reflect on our own lives and make sure we are living aligned with our highest values. I always come away appreciative of the life I have and inspired to make positive changes. With so much positivity, who wouldn’t like going to funerals?teens funerals

Teenagers and pre-teens.

Teens don’t always tell us what’s going through their minds but they can get nervous in environments they haven’t experienced before, like a funeral. Some of the concerns teens may have are:

“What if I’m not sad?”

“Can I sit with my friends?”

“I don’t have anything black to wear”

“How long will I have to stay dressed up?”

“What if I see the dead body and freak out?”

“What if I can’t stop crying and embarrass myself?”

“Will have to talk to relatives I don’t know?”

“How am I supposed to sit that long without eating?” 

Because our kids look and talk so grown up, sometimes we expect them to act like grown ups. Most adolescents haven’t attended a funeral before so their pre-conceived ideas might be coming from movies, TV, or their own imaginations.

If you are taking your teen or pre-teen to a funeral, explain a few things to them ahead of time to engage cooperation, appropriate behavior and social etiquette.

 Express these to your kids and help set them up for a successful day:

  1. You do not have to wear black. Unlike TV, people wear patterns, prints and a variety of colors. It’s more important to dress modestly and formally, than to wear all black.
  2. You do not have to feel sad. It’s ok to just listen and learn about that person’s life. Being happy celebrates their life.
  3. It’s ok to be sad. Sometimes watching other people cry, makes us cry. Don’t be embarrassed if you are crying, but didn’t know the deceased, it’s good to be empathic.
  4. You do not have to look at the dead body if you don’t want to, it’s ok to stay in your seat. If you want to look, that’s ok, too. Just know that if you touch or kiss the body, it will be cold.
  5. You will want to eat before you go. The length of time funerals take can vary. There will be food after, but it’s ok to put a granola bar in your pocket if you need to sneak away and eat something.
  6. Grown ups will come up and want to talk to you. They will mention how much you’ve grown and ask you what you are up to. Fill them in on a few details of your life and ask them how they are doing. You might have to repeat the same thing multiple times and hug people you don’t know. It’s good practice for adult life and you can handle it.
  7. Funerals are a great time to talk about happy memories you have of the deceased, funny stories or special moments you shared with them. You don’t have to be sad in order to show respect.
  8. You will need to sit quietly and listen during the service. AFTER, you can hang with your friends, talk, climb trees, eat, but NO CELL PHONES! Posting pictures and #funeral on social media is not yet considered polite behavior.

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