How to influence your teen

Today’s question comes from a Mom of a teenager:

Q – I know friends can be a big influence on teenagers. How can I still be a strong influence on my teen?

A – For this answer I turned to the experts. Those who have made their careers (and earn big money) motivating, influencing and inspiring others. What I found is two words that get your teen to listen to you and pay attention to what you have to say: Bold Enthusiasm. Watch the video below to learn how to communicate with bold enthusiasm to your teen and be a positive and powerful influence in their life.

 

Friendship drama ramps up at the end of the school year

Emotions run high as the year comes to a close

We expect kids to be excited and enthusiastic for the relaxed days of summer: sleeping in, no homework or lunches to make. woo-hoo!

So when friendship changes happen, kids can get upset. Your best friend that you’ve been with all year, suddenly wants to hang with someone else. The group you’ve been a part of suddenly splits into two. It’s weird! Unless you understand that it’s normal.

When kids aren’t expecting their friendship to change and don’t understand why it’s happening, it can be very hurtful. When this disappointment and hurt come home, it can mess with OUR enthusiasm and peace in our house!

Watch the video to learn why some kids avoid their friends right before school gets out and others cling to what they have had. When kids can see this as a normal response to the fear of change, and expect the unexpected, it helps them not take things personally.

If you want more helping creating peace in your home, schedule a free life coaching session at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

Moms: It’s time to do LESS

Imagine your middle schooler had a tough day at school: His friends ditched him at lunch, your daughter got a bad grade on her report, a seagull pooped on his jacket, etc. After school, your child walks home with a friend, shooting the breeze, talking about nothing. By the time she gets home, she FEELS BETTER! Something about the slow pace, the exercise, the peer support, the nature time, the independence, makes those problems fade away. Now, at home, she feels relaxed.

It’s more normal in today’s overprotective and over-scheduled culture for kids to get picked up in cars, rushed to activities, asked about school/grades/friendships, etc. Moms are looking for problems to solve, wondering whether to intervene, wanting kids to be happy.

When today’s kids do walk home, they pop their earbuds in, stare at their screens, and disconnect from people around them. Rather than using this valuable time to process emotions and connect in compassionate ways, they avoid and suppress emotions, making them feel even worse.

When trying to understand why rates of anxiety & depression are skyrocketing in today’s teens, it comes down to many small things, having a great big impact.

As parents, we want to smooth the way for them, make it easier, protect them from negative emotions and experiences. But our attempts to make life easier for them, may be costing them their mental well being.

Kids need to feel they can handle life’s mishaps on their own. Having time, moving in nature with friends, to process these emotions is natural. Sheltering kids, for fear they will experience a negative emotion, can delay their growth. Don’t buy into the popular culture that says “A good Mom would do everything for and with her children.” Kids need uncomfortable experiences in order to build internal strength and resilience.

As you are making plans for this summer, try encouraging experiences that push your kids outside their comfort zone.

  1. Send them to summer camp (without YOU!)
  2. Make them earn money: get a job, start a business, organize a garage sale or lemonade stand.
  3. Have them walk or ride their bike, instead of being driven, to summer classes, camps, parks, pools, etc.
  4. Plan an “old fashioned” play date. Invite your friends over with their kids (different ages/genders preferred) and send them out into the street while you and the other Moms play cards and sip cocktails. (and invite me to this one!)
  5. Send them to the grocery store to buy groceries and make dinner for the family.
  6. Let them sleep in a tent in the backyard.
  7. Buy a season pass to an amusement park and drop them off.

This fear based parenting culture needs to stop. Our kids are physically safer than anytime in history but the mental/emotional stress of modern living is taking a toll. Do you have any other ideas?  I’d love to hear them.

The love we have for our kids created this overprotective, fear based culture. We can use the same love for our kids to relax, do less, and show our kids the world is a safe and trusting place.

Social media, depression, and pre-teen girls

One of the most shocking changes to occur since teens and pre-teens started using cell phones is the DRAMATIC increase in depression and anxiety. I mentioned this problem in my blog, “Smart Phones, Depressed Teens” but this is such an epidemic (and I have a 13 year old using social media right now!) that I really want parents to understand what is happening, why it’s happening, and how to prevent it.

Our brains are the most valuable asset we have. The quality of your thinking dictates your emotions, and your emotions dictate the quality of your life. So, if you want your kids to be happy, healthy and successful, we’ve got to take a look at their brain health because kids are facing more challenges than any generation before.

One of the big problems our kids face is the CONCENTRATED and unprecedented amount of dopamine they are consuming. From rapid paced TV, to sugar, to text alerts and video games. Taking in this much dopamine is way more than our brains are wired to consume. It’s like giving cocaine to a child and hoping they come out ok. Lots of “highs” give us really strong “lows”.

I am offering a webinar on March 22nd, please click here sign up

I believe another reason why social media seems to be hitting young girls especially hard is something called confirmation bias. Confirmation Bias is a psychology term that means the tendency to search for, interpret and recall information that confirms what we already believe. 

Do you remember what it was like to be 13 or 14? Insecurity abounds! Girls this age tend to feel insecure about what they wear, what they look like, whether they fit in, what their friends think of them, all that external stuff. In days past, it was beneficial to our survival to spend these years studying the people in our tribe and making sure we fit in. But now, when girls have beliefs like, “I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, creative enough, athletic enough” they head to social media for a little “compare and despair”.

Let’s say a girl has a belief like “I have no friends” or “My life is so boring”. With “confirmation bias”, all she has to do is go online and she’ll discover she is right. “Look how everyone else is having fun but me. My friends all got together and didn’t invite me. My life sucks. Everyone else is having fun except for me.”

In “the olden days” you might have the thought “Nobody likes me” but then you’d go to school, someone would talk to you, sit with you and be friendly and it was harder to continue to believe that. With search engines, you can easily find confirmation for whatever you currently believe.

This problem is growing. Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen says that 51% of Americans will have some sort of mental health issue in their lifetime. But it’s not all doom & gloom! On the webinar, I will be talking about what a great OPPORTUNITY this is to take responsibility for our own mental and emotional health. With the latest technology and brain research, we know there are many things we can do to improve our mental well being. We can use our kids cell phone dilemma as a catalyst to understand and improve the quality of our minds. There are many ways to encourage contentment, happiness, and motivation in the brain, while discouraging worry, fear, and stress. If we learn the steps to unleash our brain’s potential and claim mastery over things that aren’t working for us, then our kids will learn to do the same.

I hope you’ll join me for this important topic.

REGISTER FOR THE WEBINAR

Do you have to wake up a grumpy kid in the morning who doesn’t want to get out of bed?

Are you struggling to get your grumpy kid out to the door in the morning?

The first part of the day is stressful for many parents as they try to gently cajole their pre-teen out of bed. When gentle doesn’t work, they resort to pulling off bedsheets, yelling, threatening and other antics that make them feel resentful and annoyed that the day has now taken an ugly turn.

It seems like it’s your KID that is causing you to get frustrated in the morning. That if she was to wake up happy and on time, you could be happy, too. But it doesn’t work that way. Our feelings come from our thinking. There is always a thought that causes us to feel the way we do and it’s helpful to see what we are thinking, before we take action.

Have you gotten yourself into a power struggle without even knowing it? Beware of “right fighting”. If you and your kid are both fighting for to be right, no one will win. Perhaps you are thinking “A good Mom would start her day with a happier kid”. Blaming yourself or others leads to inconsistent parenting which doesn’t usually give us the happy house we are trying to create. Remind yourself that good moms have grumpy kids who don’t want to get up in the morning, too. This is not a reflection on YOU, or you kid, just a problem to solve.

Below is the problem solving strategy I love from “How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk” by Faber & Mazlish. Using this strategy will neutralize any power struggles or right fighting, while empowering you and your kid to solve the problem.