Supermom is getting tired

I work with a lot of supermoms. They would never call themselves super, though, they are more likely to call themselves failures. They are measuring their success by how much they accomplish in a day. But we are living in a time where the expectations on what Mom “should” accomplish in a day are very high. We feel the pressure not only to raise our children but to keep a clean home, a happy husband, stay fit, cook healthy meals, bring home income, maintain friendships, and to do all these things WELL. Not only do them WELL but also, because we live in a time of many choices, we feel pressure to ENJOY all the choices we make.

This is a great privilege and I do not want to go back to the old days of fewer choices. But I see a lot of Supermoms getting tired and wondering when they get to rest. They miss having a performance review, a raise, and acknowledgement of their hard work. The old ways of striving for success aren’t working for them anymore. These Moms used to make a list of things to do, cross them off, and feel satisfied. Now that they’re Moms, the list is endless, there is never enough time in the day, and they never get to sit down, relax, and feel content. When Moms are exhausted from working too hard, they take it out on those around them, take it out on themselves, or both. Being in this frustrated, annoyed, blaming state only makes them more tired, less productive, and fuels this belief that there is more work to do.

It’s time to change the way we think of success and time. When you are 80 and you look back on your life, what will you have wished you spent more time on? What activities are important because they give you energy to fuel you throughout the day? I know that I won’t care my house was messy 50 years from now but if I need a clean house in order to energize me through the day, then it becomes a priority.

Because time is intangible if feels infinite. But if we look at in a more finite way, that there are 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week, it helps us prioritize. Take a look at how many hours in a day you are spending and decide if that sounds balanced to you?
3 hours blessing my home and my family (feels better than cleaning)
2 hours shopping & preparing meals for my family
3 hours supporting my relationships (phone calls, planning get-togethers, family dinners, date nights, facebook)
2 hours taking care of my body (exercise, looking nice)
2 hours responding to my kids needs, giving them love and attention.
1.5 hours just for myself (reading, watching TV, etc.)
3 hours creating wealth (paying bills, earning income, investing, taxes)

Your life is your own, to do with it whatever you want. Making choices based on YOUR values and priorities is key to happiness. I know that if I don’t get to sit and dine, at least one meal of the day, I am bitter and unproductive. That becomes my priority as well an hour of relaxation time before bed. That leaves 15 hours. When I’m 80 and I look back at this time of my life, I hope I will have enjoyed the time I spent with my kids. That means about 4-6 hours a day. Too much time with them, I get cranky. Not enough time, I feel I’m missing something. Everyone is different, this is what is true for me, right now, at the ages they are.

It’s time for Supermoms to switch their perspective from doing EVERYTHING well, to doing what is important to them to achieve joy and look back on life with satisfaction. Learning to leave things un-done is a challenge to many over-achievers but it is a must for today’s Moms. What ball can you drop today that will help you feel lighter, more productive and more satisfied? What expectation have you already let go of that you are happy you did?

When your kids drive you crazy.

Sarah was exhausted. No matter how many activities she scheduled for her son, he always wanted more. She worried about overbooking him (and herself) but every time they had a day at home, he ended up climbing the walls and driving her crazy.

Julie was frustrated. At home, her daughter was exuberant and talkative, but out in public, she shut down. She scowled and clung when people tried to talk to her and refused to participate in activities. Julie couldn’t understand how her daughter could act so rude to people who are just being nice.

When parents feel calm and at peace, it brings out their best parenting skills. But when we argue with the reality of who our kids are, we drive ourselves crazy. “Why can’t he just come home, sit down, and get his homework DONE instead of dragging it on for hours.” “What’s so hard about making friends? Just go up and ask them if they want to play.” “Why can’t she be more like the other kids?”

When we argue with our child’s TEMPERAMENT, we lose. All kids were made with built in personality traits that we can certainly squelch but the effort will exhaust and frustrate us and cause our children to be unhappy, believing they are innately flawed. A better way is to understand how your kids are wired and parent, based on who they are. But how do we know what is temperament, something we cannot and should not try to change, vs. something they just haven’t learned yet and it’s up to us to teach them? This is the classic nurture vs. nature debate and the best resource I have found is the book Nurture by Nature by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger. This book uses the classic Myers-Briggs Personality Type assessment many people discover from human resource departments, but is geared towards raising children.

My clients want to respect the essence of their kids and support who they are, but they want to stay sane while doing it. Accepting your child’s personality, as it is, and parenting them accordingly, is so worth the effort. Here are a few questions to consider…..
Does your child like to play with toys or board games as they are intended “S” or will he create his own version, changing rules as he goes, for something totally different ”N”?

Does your child need time at home to fill up their energy tank “I” or does staying home drain them and make them antsy “E”?

Does your child refuse to accept responsibility when they cause pain or sadness in someone else? They may be a deep feeler “F” and the thought they caused someone harm might be too much for them to take. Or are they perplexed by the emotional reaction they caused, “T” and need an explanation as to why the child is crying.

When it comes to making decisions like childcare, school choice, summer camps, understanding your child’s personality type is SO helpful. Instead of comparing your kid to others, look at who they are as a unique individual and ask yourself, how can I help them to be their best?

Being a former reading specialist, it drove me crazy that my daughter didn’t like books or reading. Once I realized she was an INFJ and was more interested in her OWN ideas than someone else’s, I could help her learn to like reading. By changing the endings, letting her lead, and using the pictures to tell alternative stories, I helped her discover the joy of storytelling. I also need to make sure she has plenty of unstructured time after school where she can invent and be the boss.

My ESFJ is way harder on himself than I could ever be. So instead of reminding him to “be good” or suggesting he pay attention in school, I have learned to celebrate mistakes. “Oh well, no big deal” is a mantra I try to use a lot of in my home as well as, “guess what awesome mistake I made today?”  Unlike INTP’s, whose mission is to question authority, ESFJ’s cannot function with conflict so maintaining harmony at all times is of primary concern.

The Serenity Prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous is a perfect mantra for parents. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” You can gain wisdom by assessing your personality profile, online for free. It’s geared towards adults but if your kids are older you can use it for them. Also check out Nurture by Nature. It’s super fun (unless you are an ISTJ or INTJ, then it’s torture☺) but it works best if your child is age 4 or older to get a clear picture of their type.

My much-loved, dog-eared, duct-taped copy.

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” Joseph Campbell

Helping kids with empathy

News of the shooting in Newtown, CT. is vibrating through my body.  I can feel the weight of it: the suffering, fear, shock, desperation, anger, and grief.   It shows up in me as real, physical pain:  stomach ache, headache, tension in my neck, jaw, abdomen, crushing chest, and a feeling like boiling blood I know well as anxiety.  I live on the opposite side of the country and yet I am connected to those parents, teachers and kids at Sandy Hook Elementary in a very real way.  When I was a kid, and heard tragic news like this, I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.

Whether the scary stuff on TV was real or imaginary, as a kid, it felt the same.  I was afraid, but I didn’t know what to do with my fear.  It seemed the right thing to do was to “feel bad” for others.  My big, empathic heart couldn’t handle the guilt, grief and fear.  This wasn’t my pain or my problem, but somehow I thought that if I suffered, I could alleviate the suffering of others.  If I joined them in grief, if I carried the burden with them, I could lessen it.  I was wrong.  All this got me was decades of chronic pain, anxiety and a fear of bad things happening. I tried writing notes and donating money, but it never felt like enough.

Tragedy’s, like the one at Sandy Hook Elementary School, are opportunities to teach our children healthy ways to deal with their emotions.  It can be hard to notice if your child is reacting in these ways but asking them what they feel, and what they do with that feeling, is a good place to start.  Many kids (and adults) will cope by….

  1. Worrying, pulling-back from life, living small and fearfully, breathing shallowly, just in case a threat shows up.  Constantly staying in fight or flight, when there is no immediate danger, is horrible for your emotional and physical well-being and does nothing for those suffering. You can read more about my results of living this way. This adds more fearful energy to the world, which causes us to do things like horde weapons of mass destruction and maintain the right to bear arms against our neighbors and classmates.
  2. Get Mad – We can be angry at the shooter, the NRA, video games, the president, the lack of care for mentally ill, anyone.  For many people, anger is more comfortable than fear so they stay here, hoping it will lead them to productive action.   This is the “fight” response, in action.  It feels good to use it and get the energy out, but adding more of this angry/fearful/fighting energy to the world is just going to result in more violence.
  3. Get Tough- Many times, big hearted kids (and adults) will grow tough exteriors to mask the really deep feelings and negative thoughts they think about themselves.  They ignore, act cool, like they don’t care, deny their own dark side, and try to act perfectly, sometimes even self-righteous. (The emotion will be looking for a way out so don’t be surprised if they explode at a dead cat in the road or missed soccer goal).
  4. Guilt/Sadness – Somehow we get the idea that if we suffer along, it helps alleviate the burdens of others.  When I feel sad and guilty, that just adds more suffering and depression to the world.  Instead, feel the grief and guilt in your body and transform it into love.  Hug your kids, appreciate your life, but do it from a place of love, not fear.   (You’ll know the difference because love feels expansive, fear feels graspy and scarce).

In order to send love to Newtown, Connecticut, you have to feel it in yourself first.  The first step for all of us is to acknowledge and label their emotion.  When a big, scary, yucky feeling gets named, it diffuses it and makes it easier to manage.  Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” or “What am I trying NOT to feel?”  Is it anger? sadness? guilt? fear?  Then acknowledge that no one is perfect, nor were we meant to be.  We all have the potential for darkness, given the right brain chemistry and environmental circumstances.  Look for something you have done or said you feel bad about and forgive that part of you.  (Notice where you feel the guilt in your body and what color it is, then breathe into it and relax around it until you can transform it into a color that feels like love, seems weird but it works).  Once you can forgive yourself for your shortcomings, you can fill it with love.  From this place, you can then send gratitude and love out to the world, the victims, the troubled soul of the shooter, everyone.  Pet your dog, sing Christmas Carols, cook something delicious, make a list of things you love about yourself and your kids.  Do whatever you can to shift to the state of gratitude and peace.  The world doesn’t need more suffering.  The world is hungry for love.  Take this opportunity to role model for your kids how much power they have to feel and send LOVE.

I need money and I need it now

“I need some money and I need it now. I don’t care what I have to do, just please hire me. I’ll do anything.”

Does that make you want to hire me? If so, help-a-holics anonymous might be your next stop. Most people are turned off by desperation. Just like that kid sophmore year that wouldn’t stop calling & following you around, desperate energy repels people.

Whether you are looking for a job, a partner, a babysitter, or a contractor, never do it from desperation, hate, or fear.
“I can’t stand my job and I just need to work for someone who isn’t an ass.”
It’s really hard to help you with that.

Joy sells. Confidence sells. Love sells.
“I love what I do, I am ridiculously good at it, I’ve made people very successful by doing it and I’d love to come and do it with you.”

“I am super organized and love to plan down to the smallest detail. I’ve gotten high praise for my ability to bring things and people together in a collaborative way. And what really makes me come alive is using these talents in a way that not only improves the environment, but improves the way people experience and play in their world.”

This gives me a clear picture of who you are and I WANT to help you find more JOY and LOVE. I also want to help your potential co-workers, customers, and the environment by introducing you to them.

“I’m looking for a babysitter who isn’t an idiot and maybe even cleans up their crap once in awhile.”

Hmm, I can think of about 2,000 people who fit that picture but I don’t want to call any of them for fear that you’ll say the same about them.

“I’m looking for a babysitter who loves being with my kids. One who can keep my home clean and organized but lights up at the sound of my children’s voices and uses her time with them to express her own creativity and unique self.”

The perfect person just came to mind, I’ll message her right now!

“I am looking for a kind, open-minded partner who likes to be active outdoors. Someone who sees the silver lining, but also likes to delve deeply into serious topics.”

I don’t know that person yet but I have the picture in my head so as soon as I meet him/her, I’ll call you right away.

People naturally like to help. We like to connect our friends and share our wealth of knowledge. When you are descriptive like this, it gives us a vision, a picture of what you are looking for. It brings someone to mind that I can immediately connect you with.

“I just want to be with someone who isn’t a cheap, lazy bastard.” Makes me think maybe it’s good to be single for awhile.

You are worth more than “just someone kind” or “just a job you don’t hate where you feel respected.”

Dream bigger, imagine with perfect details, then tell us, all of us, about your dream. We all want to help make it come true.

Here’s my dream: I am loving my phone/internet class called Leading Your Teen:  Live Your Best Life So Your Teen Will, Too.  I love it so much, I’d like to teach it again in March, but I’d also like to expand and teach a class for parents with 1-5 year olds.  I’m looking for Moms who love their kids and want to do what’s best for them, but without sacrificing who they are in the process.  I want Moms who err on the side of “over-parenting”.  It doesn’t matter if they are working or at home, but that they are interested in support for shifting out of worry, getting the most out of their life, and watching their children thrive.  If you know anyone who wants to create a more peaceful, purposeful relationship with their kids, please connect us so I can put them on my interest list.  Thanks for helping me make my dream come true!

Who were you meant to be?

When you were little, you knew EXACTLY who you were and what was right for you.  You were on a mission: you were alert, focused, intent, but your body was relaxed.  If someone tried to keep you from accomplishing your goal, you screamed.  In fact you didn’t let anything or anyone stand in your way.  You worked hard all day, but it felt like play. 

This is exactly what my clients are yearning for:  connection, passion, love, play, belief in their abilities, joy and meaning.  This is what it feels like when you are living your best life and doing what you were meant to do. Whether we call this your essential self, your original genius, or your inner wisdom, it is how we are meant to live.

Not once, while trying to master your block tower did you think to yourself, “I really should be learning to walk.  I see Kylie is walking already.  Sam is talking up a storm and his Mom seems so happy about it.  Maybe I should focus on building my vocabulary?”

You NEVER thought, “What’s wrong with me?  I used to love trains and now I hardly play with them at all.  Why can’t I just stick to one thing?”

You didn’t question your own instincts.  “Everyone else seems to playing on the slide.  I wonder what’s wrong with me?  I just want to tinker with my toys, maybe I should be more like the others?”

You complained loudly when you didn’t get to do what you wanted, but you never thought, “When am I going to get rewarded?  I’ve been working my ass off on this macaroni necklace, why isn’t anyone noticing how great it is and compensating me for my time?”  It never even dawned on you to ask “What’s in it for me?”  You just did the work you knew you were meant to do.

Your Original Genius knows when to rest and when to move on.  It doesn’t wait for people to give you permission to do what you KNOW you want to do.  It’s driven, passionate, and full of purpose. You KNOW what you love, what your purpose is, and it’s still inside, whispering to you all the time.

Where does this passion and certainty go?  Often, it gets left behind at middle school. Adolescence is the time parents see their child’s essence fading into “group think” and “shoulding” (as in, I should be more than I am). It’s normal to want to fit in and be accepted by peers, but as parents, it’s important to help our kids stay connected to the essence of who they are.

Tom went to medical school and was told Primary Care is the wave of the future.  Everyone should go into General Medicine, it’s the most responsible & secure choice.  Being a responsible guy, Tom complied.  Only to find himself miserable wiping noses and diagnosing ear infections all day.  Any interesting case that came through his door, he had to refer out.  Anyone that knew Tom’s essence, knew he was a specialist.  He loved to go an inch wide & a mile deep.  Think of the time and money he could have saved if his parents had steered him towards his essence, instead of what was safe & popular?  After 5 grumpy years, he went back to med school and is now a brilliant pediatric anesthesiologist and thank goodness!  If people are putting my child under the knife I sure as heck want them to living their purpose and doing the job best suited to who they are meant to be.

Imagine a world where EVERYONE is expressing their wisdom, their essence, and their original genius.  Your waitress is thrilled to serve you and help you enjoy your dining experience.  Your babysitter thinks your children are amazing little creatures and joyfully shares every detail of her time.  Your dentist loves inspiring you to take great care of your teeth and creates a relaxing environment you and your children look forward to going to.  This is the world I want to live in.

Want to help your teen make good choices, while helping yourself at the same time?  Join me on my FREE phone class Tuesday, October 30th at 12noon, PST.  Leading Your Teen:  Live Your Best Life So Your Teen Will, Too!