Friendship drama ramps up at the end of the school year

Emotions run high as the year comes to a close

We expect kids to be excited and enthusiastic for the relaxed days of summer: sleeping in, no homework or lunches to make. woo-hoo!

So when friendship changes happen, kids can get upset. Your best friend that you’ve been with all year, suddenly wants to hang with someone else. The group you’ve been a part of suddenly splits into two. It’s weird! Unless you understand that it’s normal.

When kids aren’t expecting their friendship to change and don’t understand why it’s happening, it can be very hurtful. When this disappointment and hurt come home, it can mess with OUR enthusiasm and peace in our house!

Watch the video to learn why some kids avoid their friends right before school gets out and others cling to what they have had. When kids can see this as a normal response to the fear of change, and expect the unexpected, it helps them not take things personally.

If you want more helping creating peace in your home, schedule a free life coaching session at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

Help! My high schooler has D’s!

…and I’m freaking out….is usually the sentence that follows when Moms come to me with this situation.

In order to help your teenager in this situation, you’ve got to coach yourself first and step out of FUTURIZING & CATASTROPHIZING.

It is very common for parents to imagine the worst case scenario: “He’s going to be a bum on my couch playing video games! No college is going to want her! She’s failing and I need to do something about it!” Many of us like to throw ourselves into the mix and say “If she’s failing, then I’m failing as her parent!”  This panicky energy will make kids resist and rebel, pushing against us and not allowing us to help them.

Watch this video to learn how to help your high schooler who is getting D’s in school. 

Need help learning how to stop futurizing & catastrophizing?  Schedule a free life coaching session at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

When your teen refuses to go to prom

This can be difficult for some parents!

Many parents see prom as a right of passage. Something their teen “should do” or they will regret it. But often it’s our own fears and insecurities that get in the way of supporting our child’s decision. There are many reasons a teenager might opt out of prom.

We think that if our teen goes to prom, then we don’t have to worry about them. But this can keep us from seeing other issues that are really important. Do they have social anxiety or depression?  Are they taking a stance that is aligned with their true self? Do they just not like dancing and feel perfectly fine about it?

If your teen is open to discussing it with you, ask him why he doesn’t want to go and if he likes his reason. If he feels good about his decision, it will make it easier for you to feel good about it, too. Click here to watch the video below.

Moms: It’s time to do LESS

Imagine your middle schooler had a tough day at school: His friends ditched him at lunch, your daughter got a bad grade on her report, a seagull pooped on his jacket, etc. After school, your child walks home with a friend, shooting the breeze, talking about nothing. By the time she gets home, she FEELS BETTER! Something about the slow pace, the exercise, the peer support, the nature time, the independence, makes those problems fade away. Now, at home, she feels relaxed.

It’s more normal in today’s overprotective and over-scheduled culture for kids to get picked up in cars, rushed to activities, asked about school/grades/friendships, etc. Moms are looking for problems to solve, wondering whether to intervene, wanting kids to be happy.

When today’s kids do walk home, they pop their earbuds in, stare at their screens, and disconnect from people around them. Rather than using this valuable time to process emotions and connect in compassionate ways, they avoid and suppress emotions, making them feel even worse.

When trying to understand why rates of anxiety & depression are skyrocketing in today’s teens, it comes down to many small things, having a great big impact.

As parents, we want to smooth the way for them, make it easier, protect them from negative emotions and experiences. But our attempts to make life easier for them, may be costing them their mental well being.

Kids need to feel they can handle life’s mishaps on their own. Having time, moving in nature with friends, to process these emotions is natural. Sheltering kids, for fear they will experience a negative emotion, can delay their growth. Don’t buy into the popular culture that says “A good Mom would do everything for and with her children.” Kids need uncomfortable experiences in order to build internal strength and resilience.

As you are making plans for this summer, try encouraging experiences that push your kids outside their comfort zone.

  1. Send them to summer camp (without YOU!)
  2. Make them earn money: get a job, start a business, organize a garage sale or lemonade stand.
  3. Have them walk or ride their bike, instead of being driven, to summer classes, camps, parks, pools, etc.
  4. Plan an “old fashioned” play date. Invite your friends over with their kids (different ages/genders preferred) and send them out into the street while you and the other Moms play cards and sip cocktails. (and invite me to this one!)
  5. Send them to the grocery store to buy groceries and make dinner for the family.
  6. Let them sleep in a tent in the backyard.
  7. Buy a season pass to an amusement park and drop them off.

This fear based parenting culture needs to stop. Our kids are physically safer than anytime in history but the mental/emotional stress of modern living is taking a toll. Do you have any other ideas?  I’d love to hear them.

The love we have for our kids created this overprotective, fear based culture. We can use the same love for our kids to relax, do less, and show our kids the world is a safe and trusting place.

Managing the inner critic

Brains are so funny.

My webinar on Thursday (click here if you missed it) talked about how important it is to be nice and supportive to ourselves. Especially for our girls today, who are surrounded by perfectionistic expectations, we Moms need to be very careful not to add fuel to the fire. We’ve got to learn to manage our inner critic who says things like “I ALWAYS say the wrong thing.” or “I NEVER get it right” or whatever mean criticisms are being dished out.

So it was pretty ironic that RIGHT AFTER teaching this lesson, I walked the dog and listened to MY inner critic spew her mean girl criticisms at me. Luckily, over the years, the voice has eased up, but it still offers way more “things I should have done differently” than “things I did well”. The basic theme of my inner critic is “You didn’t do everything perfectly”. Which is handy because, of course, it’s always true. What really made me laugh, was coming home from my walk to see an email from someone who attended the webinar saying….”Torie, that was PERFECT!”  

This is one of the biggest problems of how social media is effecting girl’s mental and emotional well being! It doesn’t matter who tells them they are smart, pretty, talented, kind, etc. The beliefs they have about themselves are WAY more powerful and can drown out any other opinions. Unfortunately, we can’t just STOP thinking a thought, even once we realize it’s bad for us. The first step is to DISBELIEVE the thought. This comes from recognizing we have a choice. 

I remember teaching a workshop at the She’s All That Conference (it’s coming up again soon, come if you can!). The participants were asked to fill out evaluation sheets at the end of each session. I didn’t feel I had done as well as I could and my inner perfectionist was BERATING me. The funny thing was, as I was hearing how terribly I did, I’m also looking at the words “Outstanding” “5 out of 5 rating” on almost every evaluation paper! The contrasting opinions made me stop in my tracks and ask myself, “Who do I want to believe?” 

Surprisingly, I wanted to believe my inner critic!  I knew I could have done better, and I really like doing the best job I can do. I was afraid if I believed the evaluations, I wouldn’t try to improve.

I hear clients doing this all the time. We try and motivate ourselves to take positive action, with NEGATIVE emotion. “I’m so fat” does not actually inspire healthy eating. We tend to take care of things we love, not things we hate. “I’m a terrible mother” does not make us more patient and loving with our kids. It makes us more reactive and inconsistent. “I’m going to die if I get a bad grade” might motivate us to pull out the book, but it makes it harder to actually study.

Managing this inner critic is so important. Don’t let yours run rampant and say whatever she feels like saying. Listen to her, understand her motivation, but manage her so that she isn’t the one in charge. Our daughters are watching and listening and they need us to show them how. 

 

Please join my TWO free webinars this week: 

  1. Is your child always on her phone?  Does your son throw a fit when you take away his video game? This webinar will help parents (and teens!) understand media addiction and how it effects the brain. Tuesday, March 27th at 8:00pmPST

  2. The rates of anxiety & depression in teen girls are skyrocketing and most suffer for 11 years before receiving treatment. Don’t less this happen to you. Join me Thursday, March 29th at 8:00pmPST night to understand what’s happening to girls and to learn how to help. www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/sign-up.