Is it time for a getaway?

How to avoid becoming an exploding doormat

I’m not ready for summer to end. So here I sit, in a redwood grove, listening to birds and nothing else, soaking up one last day with no plans, no agenda, no rushing, no calls, no texts, no shopping, no car pools, aaahhhhhhh. 

My teenagers didn’t want to come camping with me. They are soaking up their last few days of freedom binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and beta testing a new FIFA game (whatever that means). So, for the very first time, I decided to go camping by myself. And you know what? It’s heaven. I am absolutely loving the silence. The chance to be in my happy place and listen to my own thoughts without distractions. I get to hike where I want, when I want, and eat when I feel like eating, without listening to complaints!

But guess what, when I was packing up to go, I could not figure out what foods to pack.

Like, seriously, could not answer the question, “What foods would I like to eat while camping?”

I always think of what my kids will eat. What will my nieces and nephews eat? I am so used to considering everyone else’s preferences before my own, that I could not think about what I want!!!

It’s common for Moms to “lose themselves” through the process of raising children. The first step in my Supermom is Getting Tired coaching programs is reconnecting Moms to their essence. I love helping others rediscover their inner wisdom and reconnect them to the best parts of themselves, I just didn’t know I needed it, too!

I learned a while ago that if I don’t create mental and physical space between me and my family, I quietly build tension, resentment and enter “exploding doormat syndrome”. The exploding doormat syndrome is where you constantly say yes, please others, accommodate everyone but yourself, then finally one day you explode with pent up anger and resentment, often over something small. I don’t do this consciously, it just sneaks out when I’m least expecting it. But when I take time by myself, I’m able to notice what’s missing, and what it feels like to be completely myself.

I decided to go with tomato soup, grilled cheese (with a garnish of fresh, wild clovers.)

This time, I noticed that I could not answer the question, “what foods would I like to eat at the campfire?” I’m so used to thinking about my family and their gluten free/sugar free/dairy free/meat free tendencies, it took me awhile to figure it what I wanted.

Some Moms can be completely themselves, no matter who is around, and I envy them. I have a natural tendency to tune in to others, focusing more on what others want and need than myself. If you find it easy to put your kids’ desires before your own, trying to make them happy so you can relax, then taking time by yourself becomes mandatory. It’s hard to know what you want when other’s voices and opinions are so much louder than your own.

Take a day off, by yourself, to do nothing so you don’t become and “exploding doormat”. Or better yet, a weekend away. You, and your family, deserves a whole and complete version of you. You might not even know what was missing until you get the chance to reconnect with your spirit.

If the thought of being alone with your thoughts scares you, or if you find yourself coming up with excuses of why you can’t do it, it might be time to try life coaching. Save your family from exploding doormat syndrome and schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

Are you overwhelmed with end of the school year stress?

You might be asking your brain to hold on to too many things.

Watch the video below and try this trick to eliminate overwhelm and take more effective action. It’s a busy time of year, but it doesn’t have to be stressful.

One Habit Happy Parents Have in Common

Do this one thing today to help create more cooperative kids and happier parents.

There is one thing you can do today to have happier, more responsible, self-confident kids. PRAISE THEM. I don’t just mean “You are a great kid” or other general statements. I mean specific, timely, honest praise that gets you more of what you want.  Let’s say you have a 10 year old slob living in your home. He leaves food, shoes, backpacks and smelly socks everywhere. It drives you bonkers. You are constantly bouncing back and forth between frustration, nagging and hopelessness. Turn your attention and try to catch him doing SOMETHING towards your goal of cleanliness. “I noticed that instead of kicking off your shoe so that it would fly and hit the ceiling, you wedged it off and left it in the entry way. Thanks for aiming closer to it’s designated spot, I really appreciate your effort in helping our house stay tidy.”  Even if it’s nearly impossible to find something praise worthy, keep trying and look for the slightest nudge towards what you want. 

Perhaps you live with a surly, private 13 year old whose moods change on a dime. If you want to reinforce more steady, polite behavior, find a moment to praise it. “I notice when your friend came to the door, you were polite and sociable. That must have been hard since you were so grumpy a minute earlier. Being able to manage your emotions is a wonderful life skill and I’m impressed you are learning it at such a young age.”

You don’t want to lie or be sarcastic. Just find one small, incremental movement that demonstrates effort in the direction you want to see. Notice my title says “One thing happy PARENTS have in common”.  Sure, this will help your children be happy, but so will happier parents!  It’s just too easy to see the shortcomings in our kids, especially during adolescence. When we only see the negative in our kids it feels heavy and yucky to us, and to them. Focusing on what our kids are doing well will make everyone feel happier and more at peace. Try it today. Pick a behavior that bugs you and then find something to praise about it. “You brought your dish to the sink!” “Sharing space on your plate with a vegetable takes courage and that zucchini sat there the whole time!”  “I noticed how when you got angry with your sister, you went to your room to cool off instead of letting it escalate.” “You remembered you have a test tomorrow!” “You still brush your teeth every night even though I stopped reminding you!  You are so responsible!”

Avoid “You are so smart” or “Great Job” or anything fixed like intelligence, appearance, talent or skill. The key is to praise their EFFORT, something they have power over changing. Find something every day to praise, you will never regret it!

Are you overwhelmed by your calendar and to-do list?

If you feel tired just thinking about your schedule, email and to-do’s, try this Supermom life hack and “Close the Loop”

Do you like to think about things before taking action? When you get an email about a party, a request for donation or volunteering, do you give yourself time to think about it? When someone asks you a question you don’t know the answer to like, “What should we do for spring break this year?” what do you do?

Moms today are often the organizers for the family calendar. When we are asked a question that doesn’t have a clear yes or a clear no, it goes into our mental “think about it” file. The problem is, all these open loops and indecisions drain our energy. It takes energy to remember to get back to that person, do research or weigh the pros and cons. It’s an invisible energy leak that we don’t even realize drains us. If your email inbox is full of things you need to action on, you probably are guilty of keeping too many open loops.

Supermoms who want to accomplish a lot in a day, and still have energy at the end of it, close as many loops as possible. They have learned to book that dentist appointment 6 months from now, say yes or no to that evite (you can always change your mind), give a clear answer to volunteering or donating (they will always ask again). Making decisions clears our energy. When we “put it in the back of our mind”, it keeps us energetically tied to that person and that future event. Too many of these open loops and our energy resources get depleted.

Let’s say you need more information before you can make a decision, respond with “I will let you know by 3/1” and put that date on your calendar. Then pick a day and time to “research family camps” and put that action on your calendar and out of your mind. When you calendar your to-do’s, the only thing you need to remember is to check your calendar.

Your energy goes where your attention goes so if your attention is being pulled in 50 different directions, you will feel exhausted. As you learn to rely on your calendar and can trust yourself to follow through, you will increase your energy and accomplish more in a day.

Emilia felt busy and overwhelmed all the time. With two young children, a part time job, a dog, a house, and a husband who traveled, she could barely make it through the day. She knew there were highly productive people in the world who were WAY busier than she was and got a lot more accomplished. It bugged her knowing it was possible to do more with more energy, but she didn’t know how to do it.

Emilia stopped writing her to-do lists on paper and started putting them on her google calendar. Her calendar was synced with her phone and laptop so wherever she was she had access to her calendar. Whenever a question came up she couldn’t answer right then, she would put it on her calendar whatever the next action step was. “Ask Sophie if she wants to go to girl scout camp. If yes, fill out form. If no, recycle.” Some days she didn’t want to do what the calendar told her so she would just move it to another date or decide not to do it. It took getting used to, but she felt like a superstar with all she was able to accomplish and found herself able to say yes to more fun things.  

Remember to write “actionable steps” on your calendar: write email, call Mom, schedule appointment, research mortgage rates for 15 minutes, etc. If you just write “summer camp” or “dog” on your calendar it may be hard to remember what you planned to do. Any time you schedule “research” or “plan” or other internet related perusing, be sure to put a time limit on it. The internet will suck all your time and energy up like a black hole if we aren’t focused and clear on our goals.

Not sure what’s draining your energy?  Imagine you wake up every morning with a fully charged battery. Where does most of your energy go?  Are you at 10% before 10:00am?  Kids take a lot of our attention and therefore a lot of our energy, but see if you have any other “open loops” that need closing. Sometimes a negative relationship with a loved one can be a big energy drain but a 15 minute “close the loop” conversation will recharge you back to 100%. A job or commute you hate but feel trapped in can take up a lot of your personal energy. Cluttered rooms, a cluttered schedule and a cluttered mind are silent, secret energy drains. Making time to close these open loops will have tremendous payoffs in your energy.

Not sure where to start? Go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/work-with-me and together we’ll create an action plan you can be motivated to tackle.

Want to shake things up?

Do Something Scary

Everything is going well in Anita’s* life. Her kids are happy and healthy and keeping her busy driving them from one activity to another. Her home, marriage and job are all stable and fine. Even her puppy has grown up, calmed down and is less demanding. She’s busy, content, but a little bored.

We need to create challenge in our lives because we are meant to constantly grow and expand. If we don’t create it in reality, our minds will create drama and fear to keep us interested and on edge. Before I found life coaching, I could walk down the street and imagine myself being robbed, kidnapped, raped, or other horrible scenarios happening. This was stressful and unproductive but it certainly kept me awake and alert in my life! Today it’s easy to find drama and fear by watching the news or reading a Facebook or Twitter feed. This keeps us from getting bored but it, too, is stressful and unproductive.

If you want to feel truly alive and purposeful in your life, don’t just think about scary things, DO something that scares you.
I was listening to a podcast of Jim Koch, founder of Sam Adams beer talking about the difference between something being scary vs. something being dangerous. As a rock climber, Jim Koch was used to taking risks and facing fears. When people asked him about it, he would explain with all the safety measures in place, it’s not dangerous but it is scary. He used this same reasoning to leave his corporate job and start his own beer business. He wanted to do something scary, but not dangerous.

Perhaps having Trump as president is dangerous, but it isn’t scary because it’s not personal enough to you. Standing your ground with peace and unity with your argumentative relatives can be very scary, so learning to stay peaceful and open minded when others are not, might be an area where you can grow. Changing who you are and what you do is always a bit scary, but this is how we keep life exciting.

Think about things that are scary for YOU, but not dangerous. Sending your child to summer camp, trusting your teen to use snapchat wisely, or letting your 12 year old hangout downtown with friends, isn’t dangerous but it might be scary. When we do things that scare us, we grow and expand ourselves, making us feel a greater sense of mastery over our lives. When we THINK about scary things happening but avoid taking action, our lives shrink, making us feel more vulnerable and fearful.

Joining a direct selling company is scary, but not dangerous, and it would encourage you to grow and expand yourself, keeping life exciting. Joining a team for a sport you love to play, writing a book or selling art are all things that are scary, but allow for LOTS of growth, expansion and excitement. Have you thought about changing careers or going back to school? Owning your own business is the most lucrative form of therapy, making you face fears everyday. Taking a risk on yourself is super scary but makes you feel wide awake and excited about life.

How do you know if something is dangerous? Look at the “statistical probability” of something really bad happening. Texting while driving is dangerous, but not scary, so skip it all together. Teaching your teenager to drive on an uncrowded freeway on a sunny day with seat belts on, is scary, but statistically not dangerous. Letting your teenager drive on a two-lane road, in fog and pounding rain, with three friends in the car, increases the danger.  

My son wants to go to college in England. This scares me to death. What if he hates it and wants to come home? What if he loves it and never comes home? What if he gets sick and needs his Mommy? What if terrorists attack while he’s riding the Underground? It feels scarier than going to college closer to home, but it’s hard to pretend that it’s dangerous.
I spent so many years thinking about scary things happening instead of doing scary things. Now I’m hooked on DOING scary things, even if they seem silly to others but are important to me. Hiring people on elance felt scary to me, buying a real estate investment property was scary, but my life feels ridiculously fun and free because I believe I can create whatever I want.  What have you longed to do that you’ve been scared to? I’d love to know. Email Torie (at) LifeCoachingforParents (dot) com, or post it on my Facebook Page. Let’s face our fears together. If you want help overcoming your fears and taking a scary leap, sign up for a discovery life coaching session. 

 

 

*name has been changed to protect the restless 🙂