What’s the quickest way to ruin holiday festivities?

Do you know the one thing that will ruin your holiday faster than anything else?  It’s not overcooking the turkey, heated political debates, or cranberry sauce on the carpet. The one thing that ruins holiday dinners is EXPECTATIONS. When you have visions of cinnamon scented candlelight over peaceful conversations with joyful children lingering over delicious cuisine, beautifully presented, it’s a recipe for disaster.

The reality is, Thanksgiving is not a holiday for most Moms. It’s everything we normally do: clean, cook, wash dishes, manage children, but with more people around to watch and football on the TV. So how do we lower our expectations without feeling like a negative pessimist?

Keep it real, and have fun with the worst case scenario. Before the holiday begins, get together with your family or friends and make a list of all the crazy shit that could possibly go down during a simple holiday dinner.

My moms going to subtly hint that I should lose weight.

I’ll become a frenetically crazy cleaning machine two hours before people arrive and my children and husband will hide from me.

Uncle John will show up early spouting the latest Fox News reports about “He who shall not be named”.

Aunt Jen brings appetizers but shows up late saying she got the wrong time, directions, or somehow makes it my fault.

The favorite football team loses and everyone’s in a funk.

My Dad asks my husband how much money he’s saving for retirement….again.

Grandma drinks too much and starts telling me that I’m over-parenting my kids….again.

I’ll be upset that I’m doing all the work, don’t get to relax, and I’ll take it out on my family.

My mother-in-law will tell me that I’m doing it wrong. Bonus points for every “it”.

Whatever you can think might happen, write down all your predictions and see how many things you get right. Compare notes with other families to see who had the worst holiday dinner, then take that Mom out to celebrate her win.

Holidays are like the world series of motherhood. They aren’t designed to be restful and relaxing for YOU. This is game time, expect the worst, hope for the best, and get to work. The closer you align your expectations with your reality, the more fun you will have.

If you have changed your holiday tradition to make it more fun for YOU, let me know! If it just feels like hard work, then claim the next day as “Mom gets to do whatever Mom wants day” and celebrate your holiday victory. If you take a day to yourself to play and relax, share it on my Facebook page so we can take inspiration from each other.

How to transform tragedy into love

My Facebook feed is filled with fears and concerns over the recent mass shooting at a concert in Las Vegas. People are angry, sad, scared and trying how to not feel so vulnerable in this violent world. Venting on Facebook is kind of like yelling at your kids. It releases tension in the moment, you feel heard, but sometimes it creates more problems. When we focus on sadness, fear, anger or blame, we run the risk of spreading more negativity in the world.

To truly transform tragedy into something positive, try this approach before you post.

  1. First, ask yourself. Am I in danger? Are there any immediate threats to me or my loved ones? If you are fine in this moment, tell your brain it’s ok to relax and take some deep breaths.
  2. Ask yourself: What is the feeling I’m trying NOT to feel? Your default might be to worry, blame, get mad or scared, but what is the feeling underneath that you try hard not to feel? Let’s find that one. Vulnerability is sneaky, yet popular feeling to avoid, could that be yours?
  3. Allow yourself to feel this feeling, whatever it is. Name it, drop below the neck and locate where in your body this emotion resides. Emotion means energy in motion so see if you can identify the quality of energy. Does it feel like a solid, liquid or gas? Is it warm or cold? Does it feel heavy or tight? What color is it? Allow this feeling to be there without resistance.
  4. After about 2 minutes, find the emotion of compassion in your body. Where do you feel a sense of love & compassion? What color is it? Is it shiny or dull? Can you get a picture of it?
  5. Then offer the compassion to the part of your body that is experiencing the negative emotion. Infuse the negative emotion with compassion. See if you can transform the quality of the negative energy into a positive one.

Once you have allowed yourself to feel your feelings, your brain is freed up to think logically.

I used to have a thought that “Bad things can happen to my children anywhere, at any time, and I won’t be able to handle it.” These thoughts kept me very diligent, always worrying, watching for the next possible threat, never relaxing or trusting that things were going to be fine. It was an exhausting way to live. I used worry, anxiety and overwhelm as a way to avoid feeling the more authentic emotion of fear. 

The truth is, bad things CAN happen to our children anywhere at any time. That is a fact. We have no idea what the future will bring. But would you recommend I THINK about this scary fact, all day, every day? Probably not a helpful place for my mind to dwell. Plus, my brain will miss other important facts like, WE LIVE IN THE LEAST VIOLENT TIME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Don’t believe me? Ask Harvard Psychologist Steven Pinker.

We get to decide what we think and how we want to feel. Don’t you want to enjoy living in the most peaceful time in the history while still accepting the fact that bad things could happen at any time? I do! So I don’t watch the news, I don’t share negative posts on facebook, and I make sure I don’t lie to myself with things like “I won’t be able to handle it if something bad happens.” Total B.S. In a real crisis, I tend to get clear headed and calm. I know how to feel my feelings. I know how to reach out and ask for help. Turns out, I’m actually pretty good in a crisis and I’ll bet you are, too.

Once you have transformed your negative energy into compassion for yourself, it’s time to put it to good use. Who do you know that might be suffering right now that you could reach out to? Could you send flowers to someone who might be lonely? Could you write a card to someone who lost a loved one last year? How about donating to organizations that help mentally ill or people suffering from weather related disasters. Let’s all spend a minute visualizing the gun lobby receiving our compassion and deciding, on their own, “that enough is enough”.

Love casts out all fear. Love is always an option. When you feel lost as to what action to take, ask yourself “What would love do?”

Not feeling it? It’s ok. Just schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

How to stop yelling at your kids

3 steps to stop yelling at your kids and end morning mayhem.

Do you know this scenario?

“COME ON, HURRY UP! It’s time to GO! Stop playing around, you’re going to be late for school. For the last time, GRAB YOUR DAMN LUNCH! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached to you! I’m LEAVING NOW. Get in the car already!”How to Stop yelling at your kids

The first five minutes of the car ride is angry and nagging, justifying our frustration, but by the time we get to school we’ve calmed down enough for the guilt to start creeping in. We might even squeeze out an “I love you” or “Have a good day” before they leap out of the car, happy to get away from such a cranky mommy. For the next hour, we feel like shit. “Why am I such a bitch?” “What a horrible way to start the day.” “What’s wrong with me and why can’t HE JUST HURRY UP so I don’t have to yell!”

The first step to stop yelling at your kids, is to understand why you do it in the first place. Yelling releases tension and energy. Keeping our feelings of frustration inside doesn’t feel good, so like steam escaping from a boiling pot, we release it by yelling. We feel better in the moment, but worse later on.

The second step to stop yelling at your kids, is to find the thought that causes your feeling of frustration. Emotions come from our thoughts. We can’t change our feelings but we can change the thoughts we think. If we find that a thought isn’t true, helpful or is resulting in something we don’t like, we can replace it with something more helpful.

Some of the more common thoughts Moms have that cause yelling are…
“He should move quicker” “He’s doing this on purpose” “Yelling is the only thing that motivates her.”
“We’re going to get in trouble” “This is embarrassing” “I can’t be late” “I’m never late” “I should have gotten up earlier” “You are trying to drive me crazy.”

The truth is, everyone is late sometimes. Some kids are naturally fast movers, and some kids naturally move slow. It’s human nature to move even slower when we don’t want to go somewhere. I notice that I move slower whenever I feel pressured. I don’t do it on purpose, but it explains why I was always chosen last in P.E.

To argue that kids “should move faster” isn’t helpful. It’s like arguing with human nature.

The third step to stop yelling at your kids is to accept things as they are. “My kid moves slowly in the morning.” “I get up later than I want to.” “Even when I try my best, sometimes I will be late.” How do you want to feel about these facts? You get to decide. You can feel frustrated, or you can choose an emotion that doesn’t lead to yelling, like peacefulness. Try the thought, “I want to be peaceful and efficient in the mornings” and see if it affects your emotional state in a positive way.

Once you are feeling calm and accepting about your mornings, your mind is more open to new ideas. Try these yell free life hacks to get kids into the car in the mornings:

Have a morning soundtrack. Play the same music set every morning so kids know that when Michael Jackson starts singing, it’s time to be dressed and eating breakfast downstairs. When Pharrell starts singing “Happy”, it’s time to get your shoes on and into the car. Practice on the weekend so they know the routine and reward them (and yourself) after three consecutive days of yell-free mornings.

Keep a “late happens” kit in the car so there’s no excuse to stress. This ziplock bag can contain a hairbrush, hair band, granola bar, sunscreen, deodorant, sugarless gum (for bad morning breath), a pen for signing last minute permission slips and a few dollars for buying lunch.

Have fun helping the kids create a morning routine poster. Include funny photos of them pretending to brush teeth, eat, or use the toilet. Encourage your kids to decide what would work best for them in the morning (maybe they need to go to bed earlier in order to take more time in the morning)? Buy them an old fashioned alarm clock so they can be self motivated and rely less on mom. Learning to switch your thinking will keep you plenty busy. 

Make the car a nice place to be. My daughter loved her chewable vitamin so I only let her have them in the car. A frozen waffle folded in half with peanut butter and a glass of milk makes for a quick & easy breakfast to go. Get the heater going, play some nice music and give your kids the happy, relaxed mommy you want them to have in the mornings.

If you want to stop yelling but haven’t been successful, schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

 

 

Do you get tired of being responsible for everything?

Many of my Supermom clients feel the parenting and household responsibilities fall on their shoulders. Without even realizing it, we can create the exact thing we resent, feeling responsible for everything. If you get angry or resentful because it feels like you are doing all the work, watch this video and see if you get an “a-ha” like my client did.

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Is it time for a getaway?

How to avoid becoming an exploding doormat

I’m not ready for summer to end. So here I sit, in a redwood grove, listening to birds and nothing else, soaking up one last day with no plans, no agenda, no rushing, no calls, no texts, no shopping, no car pools, aaahhhhhhh. 

My teenagers didn’t want to come camping with me. They are soaking up their last few days of freedom binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and beta testing a new FIFA game (whatever that means). So, for the very first time, I decided to go camping by myself. And you know what? It’s heaven. I am absolutely loving the silence. The chance to be in my happy place and listen to my own thoughts without distractions. I get to hike where I want, when I want, and eat when I feel like eating, without listening to complaints!

But guess what, when I was packing up to go, I could not figure out what foods to pack.

Like, seriously, could not answer the question, “What foods would I like to eat while camping?”

I always think of what my kids will eat. What will my nieces and nephews eat? I am so used to considering everyone else’s preferences before my own, that I could not think about what I want!!!

It’s common for Moms to “lose themselves” through the process of raising children. The first step in my Supermom is Getting Tired coaching programs is reconnecting Moms to their essence. I love helping others rediscover their inner wisdom and reconnect them to the best parts of themselves, I just didn’t know I needed it, too!

I learned a while ago that if I don’t create mental and physical space between me and my family, I quietly build tension, resentment and enter “exploding doormat syndrome”. The exploding doormat syndrome is where you constantly say yes, please others, accommodate everyone but yourself, then finally one day you explode with pent up anger and resentment, often over something small. I don’t do this consciously, it just sneaks out when I’m least expecting it. But when I take time by myself, I’m able to notice what’s missing, and what it feels like to be completely myself.

I decided to go with tomato soup, grilled cheese (with a garnish of fresh, wild clovers.)

This time, I noticed that I could not answer the question, “what foods would I like to eat at the campfire?” I’m so used to thinking about my family and their gluten free/sugar free/dairy free/meat free tendencies, it took me awhile to figure it what I wanted.

Some Moms can be completely themselves, no matter who is around, and I envy them. I have a natural tendency to tune in to others, focusing more on what others want and need than myself. If you find it easy to put your kids’ desires before your own, trying to make them happy so you can relax, then taking time by yourself becomes mandatory. It’s hard to know what you want when other’s voices and opinions are so much louder than your own.

Take a day off, by yourself, to do nothing so you don’t become and “exploding doormat”. Or better yet, a weekend away. You, and your family, deserves a whole and complete version of you. You might not even know what was missing until you get the chance to reconnect with your spirit.

If the thought of being alone with your thoughts scares you, or if you find yourself coming up with excuses of why you can’t do it, it might be time to try life coaching. Save your family from exploding doormat syndrome and schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me