How do you take your compliments?

I was at a networking event with some fabulous small business owners and one of them, an esthetician, said something that blew me away.  She said, “When people are quiet in my chair (during a facial), I take that as a compliment.”

Really?  Silence is a compliment?

It made me realize, how totally arbitrary compliments can be!

When my kids bicker, I can take that as a compliment that I was a wise enough to give them a sibling in which to learn conflict resolutions skills.

When my house is a mess, I can take it as a compliment that I prioritize people over property.

When I overdraw my bank account, I can take it as a compliment that it is a rare enough occasion to bug me.

How do I take my compliments?  Usually with a scoop embarrassment and a dash of denial.

Friend:  “You look cute today”

Me:  “Oh, gosh, I don’t even have makeup on”

Friend:  “You are such a good Mom”

Me:  “If you saw me yesterday you wouldn’t think that.”

How about you?  When your boss tells you, you are an asset to the team, do you believe him?  When your spouse tells you they are grateful for your hard work, do you take the compliment in or push it away?

My son thinks he is an amazing soccer player, the best on his team.  His Dad and I could debate with him on this.  Some honest self-reflection and a little modesty seem appropriate, but we decided to leave it alone.  Think about it……If you believe you are awesome, amazing, the best…..do you think you will play better or worse?  If you think you are average, aren’t your abilities going to match your beliefs?

If you believe you are an amazing parent, and your kid throws a fit, chances are you will handle it in a way you are proud of.

If you believe you are a good provider, and you lose your job, chances are you will quickly find ways to support your family.  Those who switch their thinking to “I’m a loser who can’t support his/her family” will have a harder time.

So go ahead and take your compliments.  Believe you are amazing, valuable, beautiful, talented, hard-working.  We can’t wait for you to see what the rest of us have been seeing all along.

Here’s a little exercise:

What would you most like to be complimented for?  Your intelligence?  Your looks?  Your creativity?  Try this:

It would make my day if my Mom told me this ……………………….……………..

It would make my day if my Dad told me this …………………………..…………..

It would make my day if my partner told me this ……………………………………

It would make my day if my kids told me this …………………………………………

It would make my day if my boss told me this …………………………………………

There is no point in sitting around waiting for someone else to compliment you if you aren’t going to take it in and believe it.  You have to believe it first.

So tell me, how do you take your compliments?  When people post on my blog, I take it as a compliment that they got something out of it. But perhaps, this time, I’ll take silence as a compliment as well.  🙂

 

Want to give life coaching a try? Schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

It’s not the job; it’s who you get to be.

It’s not the job; it’s who you get to be.

This line really stuck out to me years ago when I was reading Martha Beck’s book, Finding Your Own North Star.  I could see the truth in it and how it applied to people around me, but it wasn’t until this summer that I was able to really experience it for myself.

I saw it with Maggie, a general practitioner, who chose her field because it was the trend of the time.   It was a practical, intelligent decision to make while in medical school, but it wasn’t HER.  Every interesting case that came through her door, she had to refer out.  She was a natural born specialist.  She loved to know everything there was to know about one subject.  She had a passion for expertise.  And yet, she found herself in a career for a generalist, someone who likes to know a little bit about everything.  There was nothing wrong with the job; it just wasn’t a match for her personality.  She went back to school and is now highly specialized; enjoying complex cases she can really sink her teeth into.

I saw it with Evan, an easygoing, effective employee who makes friends wherever he goes.  Managers and co-workers appreciate the peaceful work environment he creates.  Evan, on the other hand, is not feeling so peaceful.  He bites his tongue, stifles his true self, and tries to make peace for everyone but himself.  What Evan needs most is to express his creativity.  He needs autonomy and trust from his supervisors, but he’s too much of a pleaser to ask for it.  He has an amazing vision for how to optimize his role in the company, increase productivity and create an even better work environment.  He isn’t enjoying his job because he hasn’t figured out how to bring his true self, innovative and in charge, into his current role.

In my life I get to wear many hats:  Life Coach, Mommy, Teacher, etc. but this summer I spent a lot of time wearing my “Landlord” hat.  We have a rental property that became vacant and I spent a lot of time cleaning, repairing, advertising, interviewing, filling out paperwork, doing background checks, etc.  None of these activities I particularly enjoy, but through this process I thought a lot about, “It’s not the job, it’s who you get to be” and I looked for opportunities to be myself.  It was not always smooth.  I had tenants ruin property, lie to me, break agreements, and refuse to pay money they owed me.  I had to remind myself that I can still do the right thing, even when others’ aren’t.   I had to remind myself that I can still trust people, just not all people.  If I had to spend every day filling out paperwork, showing houses, and making repairs, it wouldn’t nourish my soul.  But if I could fill out paperwork, show houses, and make repairs while believing that I am helping people, then I get to be me.  I tell myself that I am helping people by being a good landlord and providing a nice, safe, clean home during a time when many people are looking to rent.   My favorite part of the job is when I get to connect with people who are going through difficult times.   During an open house, I got to listen to people grieve over their beautiful, big home they lost is the mortgage crisis.  I listened to their anger and resentment over their poor credit score.  I witnessed sadness about an upcoming divorce and hopefulness with starting a new life.  I know that I was not born to be a landlord. I was born to connect with people in important areas of their life and do what I can to help them feel better.  As long as I can find ways to do this, I can be happy ANYWHERE.

It’s easy to drown in a job that doesn’t nourish your soul.  What’s hard (but SO worthwhile) is finding ways to still be you, while living amongst crazy people in a crazy land.  Start with where you are.  How can you bring more of YOU into your job and your life?  If you aren’t sure what’s right for you, try reading Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck or give life coaching a try.  If your job is a match that was never meant to be and you feel clear about what your heart really longs for, perhaps now is the time to make that change.  It’s not the job, it’s who you get to be.

 

Want to give life coaching a try? Schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

The Blame Game

I tripped on something and banged my knee something awful.  It hurt.  My initial reaction was to yell “Ouch!!” my second was to blame my husband.  “Damn you!  If you had removed what I asked you to remove, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt!  It’s your fault!”  What I noticed, immediately, was how good it felt to blame him.  Why does it feel so good to blame others for our problems?  “My kids behavior makes me crazy” “My boss won’t let me take time off” “If I could just earn more money, I would be happy” Or in my case, “If my husband would just do what I ask him to do, my life would be peachy.” Which of course, is ridiculous.  I will still hurt myself whether my husband does what I ask or not.

I think the reason blame feels so good in the moment, is you don’t have believe that sometimes, bad things just happen.  If we can point the finger and say, it’s you, it avoids the truth that, at any time, without warning, we could get hurt.  It’s hard to admit that without the fault of any one person or group, economy’s change, kids disobey, people ignore us, money comes and goes, and no one is going to rescue us from this big bad world of reality.  Blaming allows us to revert back to childhood.

So why don’t we view blaming as a good thing?  Why not encourage our kids to do it, find a scapegoat?  “You’re right honey, all the teachers at your school are out to get you” or “I’m sure it WAS the ref’s fault your team didn’t win”.  Oh, wait, we kind of do that! We blame the budget, the mean girls, the teacher, the coach, our mothers, the curriculum, the preschool, the boss, the job market, the democrats, the media, you name it, we blame them.  Yet if I was to ask you, if blaming other people for your problems is a good idea, intuitively, you know it isn’t.  Why is that?

Blaming is a child’s way of going through the world.  To acknowledge that you could error, make mistakes, or be imperfect, requires maturity.  To admit that life can be unpredictable and our future is uncertain, requires trust and confidence that you can handle it.  When we blame, we give all our power away.  If it’s the teacher’s fault that the child isn’t learning, you are stuck!  You can’t make somebody be a better teacher.  If you accept your child’s teacher isn’t the greatest, but there is a lot you and your child can do to learn, it gives you immense power.  You take charge of learning, seek out opportunities, other teachers, other modes of instruction, work hard and do your best.  You learn to accept reality and adapt to the situation, always claiming your own power and working with what you DO have control over.

So often my clients have the belief that “If my child would just behave, I could be happy.”  This is never true.  Children will always “misbehave”.  Blaming your child’s actions for your happiness, always leads to suffering.   I decide I’m going to be happy by the thoughts I choose to believe.  “Kids misbehave.  I can figure out a good way to handle it.  I’m a good Mom.  Health problems happen.  Social Problems happen.  ‘Misbehavior’ is a message to me.  What can I learn from this? She’s looking to me to guide her.” Thinking this way helps us enjoy parenting way more than, “my child disrespects me and there is nothing I can do about it.” Accepting responsibility for your own happiness is a very grown up thing to do and gives YOU lots of power.

So for me, I am accepting that my husband will NEVER do everything I ask him to do.   In fact, I don’t want him to.  I married a man, not a robot.  If he did everything I asked him to do, I’d probably get annoyed at him for not having a mind of his own.  So instead, I change my thoughts to “injuries happen” and “people aren’t perfect.”  My power lies in my ability to decide how I want to think about it and I think seeing the world as a mature adult, feels really good.

 

Want to give life coaching a try? Schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me