Many of my Supermom clients feel the parenting and household responsibilities fall on their shoulders. Without even realizing it, we can create the exact thing we resent, feeling responsible for everything. If you get angry or resentful because it feels like you are doing all the work, watch this video and see if you get an “a-ha” like my client did.
I’m not ready for summer to end. So here I sit, in a redwood grove, listening to birds and nothing else, soaking up one last day with no plans, no agenda, no rushing, no calls, no texts, no shopping, no car pools, aaahhhhhhh.
My teenagers didn’t want to come camping with me. They are soaking up their last few days of freedom binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and beta testing a new FIFA game (whatever that means). So, for the very first time, I decided to go camping by myself. And you know what? It’s heaven. I am absolutely loving the silence. The chance to be in my happy place and listen to my own thoughts without distractions. I get to hike where I want, when I want, and eat when I feel like eating, without listening to complaints!
But guess what, when I was packing up to go, I could not figure out what foods to pack.
Like, seriously, could not answer the question, “What foods would I like to eat while camping?”
I always think of what my kids will eat. What will my nieces and nephews eat? I am so used to considering everyone else’s preferences before my own, that I could not think about what I want!!!
It’s common for Moms to “lose themselves” through the process of raising children. The first step in my Supermom is Getting Tired coaching programs is reconnecting Moms to their essence. I love helping others rediscover their inner wisdom and reconnect them to the best parts of themselves, I just didn’t know I needed it, too!
I learned a while ago that if I don’t create mental and physical space between me and my family, I quietly build tension, resentment and enter “exploding doormat syndrome”. The exploding doormat syndrome is where you constantly say yes, please others, accommodate everyone but yourself, then finally one day you explode with pent up anger and resentment, often over something small. I don’t do this consciously, it just sneaks out when I’m least expecting it. But when I take time by myself, I’m able to notice what’s missing, and what it feels like to be completely myself.
This time, I noticed that I could not answer the question, “what foods would I like to eat at the campfire?” I’m so used to thinking about my family and their gluten free/sugar free/dairy free/meat free tendencies, it took me awhile to figure it what I wanted.
Some Moms can be completely themselves, no matter who is around, and I envy them. I have a natural tendency to tune in to others, focusing more on what others want and need than myself. If you find it easy to put your kids’ desires before your own, trying to make them happy so you can relax, then taking time by yourself becomes mandatory. It’s hard to know what you want when other’s voices and opinions are so much louder than your own.
Take a day off, by yourself, to do nothing so you don’t become and “exploding doormat”. Or better yet, a weekend away. You, and your family, deserves a whole and complete version of you. You might not even know what was missing until you get the chance to reconnect with your spirit.
If the thought of being alone with your thoughts scares you, or if you find yourself coming up with excuses of why you can’t do it, it might be time to try life coaching. Save your family from exploding doormat syndrome and schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me
You are going to think I’m weird but since I just talked with my Launching Girl Leaders about your weirdness being an important sign, coming from your essence, I figure I should let my freak flag fly and tell you, I actually like going to funerals. I have two this week and I love the opportunity to come together and collectively celebrate the essence of this person. There may be a detail or two about their accomplishments but mostly, people speak about who they were: their unique personality, loves, joys, their weird and wonderful ways. Instead of putting on a social facade, there is a vibe of authenticity and genuine emotions. It’s also a great chance to reflect on our own lives and make sure we are living aligned with our highest values. I always come away appreciative of the life I have and inspired to make positive changes. With so much positivity, who wouldn’t like going to funerals?
Teenagers and pre-teens.
Teens don’t always tell us what’s going through their minds but they can get nervous in environments they haven’t experienced before, like a funeral. Some of the concerns teens may have are:
“What if I’m not sad?”
“Can I sit with my friends?”
“I don’t have anything black to wear”
“How long will I have to stay dressed up?”
“What if I see the dead body and freak out?”
“What if I can’t stop crying and embarrass myself?”
“Will have to talk to relatives I don’t know?”
“How am I supposed to sit that long without eating?”
Because our kids look and talk so grown up, sometimes we expect them to act like grown ups. Most adolescents haven’t attended a funeral before so their pre-conceived ideas might be coming from movies, TV, or their own imaginations.
If you are taking your teen or pre-teen to a funeral, explain a few things to them ahead of time to engage cooperation, appropriate behavior and social etiquette.
Express these to your kids and help set them up for a successful day:
You do not have to wear black. Unlike TV, people wear patterns, prints and a variety of colors. It’s more important to dress modestly and formally, than to wear all black.
You do not have to feel sad. It’s ok to just listen and learn about that person’s life. Being happy celebrates their life.
It’s ok to be sad. Sometimes watching other people cry, makes us cry. Don’t be embarrassed if you are crying, but didn’t know the deceased, it’s good to be empathic.
You do not have to look at the dead body if you don’t want to, it’s ok to stay in your seat. If you want to look, that’s ok, too. Just know that if you touch or kiss the body, it will be cold.
You will want to eat before you go. The length of time funerals take can vary. There will be food after, but it’s ok to put a granola bar in your pocket if you need to sneak away and eat something.
Grown ups will come up and want to talk to you. They will mention how much you’ve grown and ask you what you are up to. Fill them in on a few details of your life and ask them how they are doing. You might have to repeat the same thing multiple times and hug people you don’t know. It’s good practice for adult life and you can handle it.
Funerals are a great time to talk about happy memories you have of the deceased, funny stories or special moments you shared with them. You don’t have to be sad in order to show respect.
You will need to sit quietly and listen during the service. AFTER, you can hang with your friends, talk, climb trees, eat, but NO CELL PHONES! Posting pictures and #funeral on social media is not yet considered polite behavior.
Last month I got to spend 10 days traveling around England with my teenage son. It was so great to have that one on one time with him, exploring castles and cathedrals, seeing historical sights and beautiful architecture, and visiting wonderful friends. This trip was my son’s dream come true and I’m going to use it as an example of how to turn a dream into an accomplishment.
Before you start helping your kids’ accomplish their goals, make sure you are a living example. Do you give yourself permission dream? Are you setting goals that inspire you? When we become parents, sometimes our kids’ dreams become our own. Children need to see us creating lives that inspire us, not just living our lives through them.
Whether it’s your dreams, or your kid’s, follow these 6 steps to setting and achieving your goals.
Make sure it’s YOUR goal, aligned with soul’s calling. If your kid sets a goal to get straight A’s, but he’s doing it for you or for his teacher’s approval, it’s not the right goal. If your kid wants to “be rich”, she’ll need to be more specific about when, why and how much. One way to tell if the goal is coming from your essence and not your ego is to ask yourself, “If nobody knew I accomplished this goal, would I still want it?”
Make sure the goal scares you a little. We have an innate drive to grow and expand who we are. Setting and accomplishing goals are important because it helps us become a different, more expanded version of ourselves through the process. When I first suggested to my son that he start saving up to travel to England, he was full of doubts. “It’s too expensive” “I don’t have enough money”, “My volleyball team needs me”, “Dad and sister don’t like museums or historical tours, they’d rather go to a beach resort.” The doubts are a good sign! It means you have to grow! Write down all of them and question their validity. Are they really true? How could you solve these problems? It is a hugely valuable life lesson to learn that just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.
Believe in your ability to accomplish your goal. In my son’s case, family members started giving him travel books, maps of England, advice on where to stay. They asked him when he was going, encouraged him. I bought him England T-shirts and watched travel shows and documentaries with him. He was so surrounded by positive peer pressure that it became hard for him to believe this goal would not happen.
Get specific. What’s the difference between a dream and a goal? NUMBERS. Put a date on the calendar. Find out how much you’ll need to save. (My son paid for his own plane ticket and some spending money). This will trigger more negative thinking, “I’ll wait” “I don’t know” “Maybe I should save for college instead”. Write down your doubts, notice how it detracts you from your goal, and recommit. Accomplishing goals is about commitment, focus and belief. Instead of wavering, start using the word HOW. How can I make more money before June? How can travel during off season without missing school?
Go to your future self for advice. Imagine you have already accomplished your goal. You are yourself a year into the future and you did it! Ask your future self, “how did you make it happen?” “What steps did you take?” “What did you do when you got side-tracked and lost focus?” Have your future self write your action plan for you. What research do you need to do? How much money do you need to make? Who is a good person to share this goal with and who isn’t?
Stretch yourself. Setting goals helps us discover new things about ourselves and benefit from “strategic byproducts” that we couldn’t have imagined before. Your goal might be to lose weight but in the process you find out you are allergic to dairy and you love doing yoga. I had a client “hire me to help with her career, but ended up saving her marriage.” When we do things outside our comfort zone, that feel aligned with who we are meant to be, all sorts of good things can happen. As little sister watched big brother accomplish his goal, now she is saving up to visit her friend and travel through Costa Rica.
I am working to turn my dream into a goal. Saying it out loud was scary at first (another good sign!) but here it is. My goal is to live in Lake Tahoe for a month next summer. If you know anyone who needs a house sitter, let them know I’m flexible on dates!