Is it time for a getaway?

How to avoid becoming an exploding doormat

I’m not ready for summer to end. So here I sit, in a redwood grove, listening to birds and nothing else, soaking up one last day with no plans, no agenda, no rushing, no calls, no texts, no shopping, no car pools, aaahhhhhhh. 

My teenagers didn’t want to come camping with me. They are soaking up their last few days of freedom binge watching Grey’s Anatomy and beta testing a new FIFA game (whatever that means). So, for the very first time, I decided to go camping by myself. And you know what? It’s heaven. I am absolutely loving the silence. The chance to be in my happy place and listen to my own thoughts without distractions. I get to hike where I want, when I want, and eat when I feel like eating, without listening to complaints!

But guess what, when I was packing up to go, I could not figure out what foods to pack.

Like, seriously, could not answer the question, “What foods would I like to eat while camping?”

I always think of what my kids will eat. What will my nieces and nephews eat? I am so used to considering everyone else’s preferences before my own, that I could not think about what I want!!!

It’s common for Moms to “lose themselves” through the process of raising children. The first step in my Supermom is Getting Tired coaching programs is reconnecting Moms to their essence. I love helping others rediscover their inner wisdom and reconnect them to the best parts of themselves, I just didn’t know I needed it, too!

I learned a while ago that if I don’t create mental and physical space between me and my family, I quietly build tension, resentment and enter “exploding doormat syndrome”. The exploding doormat syndrome is where you constantly say yes, please others, accommodate everyone but yourself, then finally one day you explode with pent up anger and resentment, often over something small. I don’t do this consciously, it just sneaks out when I’m least expecting it. But when I take time by myself, I’m able to notice what’s missing, and what it feels like to be completely myself.

I decided to go with tomato soup, grilled cheese (with a garnish of fresh, wild clovers.)

This time, I noticed that I could not answer the question, “what foods would I like to eat at the campfire?” I’m so used to thinking about my family and their gluten free/sugar free/dairy free/meat free tendencies, it took me awhile to figure it what I wanted.

Some Moms can be completely themselves, no matter who is around, and I envy them. I have a natural tendency to tune in to others, focusing more on what others want and need than myself. If you find it easy to put your kids’ desires before your own, trying to make them happy so you can relax, then taking time by yourself becomes mandatory. It’s hard to know what you want when other’s voices and opinions are so much louder than your own.

Take a day off, by yourself, to do nothing so you don’t become and “exploding doormat”. Or better yet, a weekend away. You, and your family, deserves a whole and complete version of you. You might not even know what was missing until you get the chance to reconnect with your spirit.

If the thought of being alone with your thoughts scares you, or if you find yourself coming up with excuses of why you can’t do it, it might be time to try life coaching. Save your family from exploding doormat syndrome and schedule a free discovery call at www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

Are you overwhelmed with end of the school year stress?

You might be asking your brain to hold on to too many things.

Watch the video below and try this trick to eliminate overwhelm and take more effective action. It’s a busy time of year, but it doesn’t have to be stressful.

Want to shake things up?

Do Something Scary

Everything is going well in Anita’s* life. Her kids are happy and healthy and keeping her busy driving them from one activity to another. Her home, marriage and job are all stable and fine. Even her puppy has grown up, calmed down and is less demanding. She’s busy, content, but a little bored.

We need to create challenge in our lives because we are meant to constantly grow and expand. If we don’t create it in reality, our minds will create drama and fear to keep us interested and on edge. Before I found life coaching, I could walk down the street and imagine myself being robbed, kidnapped, raped, or other horrible scenarios happening. This was stressful and unproductive but it certainly kept me awake and alert in my life! Today it’s easy to find drama and fear by watching the news or reading a Facebook or Twitter feed. This keeps us from getting bored but it, too, is stressful and unproductive.

If you want to feel truly alive and purposeful in your life, don’t just think about scary things, DO something that scares you.
I was listening to a podcast of Jim Koch, founder of Sam Adams beer talking about the difference between something being scary vs. something being dangerous. As a rock climber, Jim Koch was used to taking risks and facing fears. When people asked him about it, he would explain with all the safety measures in place, it’s not dangerous but it is scary. He used this same reasoning to leave his corporate job and start his own beer business. He wanted to do something scary, but not dangerous.

Perhaps having Trump as president is dangerous, but it isn’t scary because it’s not personal enough to you. Standing your ground with peace and unity with your argumentative relatives can be very scary, so learning to stay peaceful and open minded when others are not, might be an area where you can grow. Changing who you are and what you do is always a bit scary, but this is how we keep life exciting.

Think about things that are scary for YOU, but not dangerous. Sending your child to summer camp, trusting your teen to use snapchat wisely, or letting your 12 year old hangout downtown with friends, isn’t dangerous but it might be scary. When we do things that scare us, we grow and expand ourselves, making us feel a greater sense of mastery over our lives. When we THINK about scary things happening but avoid taking action, our lives shrink, making us feel more vulnerable and fearful.

Joining a direct selling company is scary, but not dangerous, and it would encourage you to grow and expand yourself, keeping life exciting. Joining a team for a sport you love to play, writing a book or selling art are all things that are scary, but allow for LOTS of growth, expansion and excitement. Have you thought about changing careers or going back to school? Owning your own business is the most lucrative form of therapy, making you face fears everyday. Taking a risk on yourself is super scary but makes you feel wide awake and excited about life.

How do you know if something is dangerous? Look at the “statistical probability” of something really bad happening. Texting while driving is dangerous, but not scary, so skip it all together. Teaching your teenager to drive on an uncrowded freeway on a sunny day with seat belts on, is scary, but statistically not dangerous. Letting your teenager drive on a two-lane road, in fog and pounding rain, with three friends in the car, increases the danger.  

My son wants to go to college in England. This scares me to death. What if he hates it and wants to come home? What if he loves it and never comes home? What if he gets sick and needs his Mommy? What if terrorists attack while he’s riding the Underground? It feels scarier than going to college closer to home, but it’s hard to pretend that it’s dangerous.
I spent so many years thinking about scary things happening instead of doing scary things. Now I’m hooked on DOING scary things, even if they seem silly to others but are important to me. Hiring people on elance felt scary to me, buying a real estate investment property was scary, but my life feels ridiculously fun and free because I believe I can create whatever I want.  What have you longed to do that you’ve been scared to? I’d love to know. Email Torie (at) LifeCoachingforParents (dot) com, or post it on my Facebook Page. Let’s face our fears together. If you want help overcoming your fears and taking a scary leap, sign up for a discovery life coaching session. 

 

 

*name has been changed to protect the restless 🙂

Overcoming the fear of being your authentic self

Okay so I’m freaking out a little bit. Safeway just asked me to advertise my life coaching business on their shopping carts. Me? With my PHOTO!?!? Me? The girl who always sat in the back of the room and never raised her hand. The girl who HATED Halloween because people look at you (no matter what you wear, people still look, it’s a lose-lose!). I made sure I was never too smart or too dumb, too fast or too slow, too shy or too friendly. I found safety in blending in and I LIKED it that way.

But here’s the thing….staying small and invisible started to become boring. I became irritable, restless, itching for something new. We aren’t here to live a comfortable, easy life that looks the same as everyone else. We are here to GROW and growing requires us to overcome our fears, and I had a lot.

A friend of mine came to my “Talking to Kids about Sex” parent ed night last week. (The next Time for The Talk class starts Jan. 21, sign up with your kid today!). She had such a great time she told everyone she knew about it. As a naturally gregarious person with a career in sales, people can’t help but become enthusiastic whenever she talks. HOWEVER, as soon as she started talking about HER business, HER passion, she got quiet. She belongs to a travel club that she loves and wants to get more of her friends to join, but when I ask her about it, she deflects, “Oh, well, it’s just a hobby I do on the side.” I convinced her to give me her pitch me on joining her travel club and she stiffens up and switches to a more formal, less passionate presentation. I ask “Why did you tell more people about MY business this week than YOUR business? Her answer is simple, FEAR.-Do one thing every day that scares you.-

Fear of rejection. Fear of people thinking I’m pushy. Fear of people not liking me. Fear of being different. Fear of being seen for who you really are. When you are trying to be authentically you, you are going to separate yourself from the pack. We are social animals so this fear is natural, but rarely helpful. She could talk about my business because it wasn’t personal or important to her. Overcoming these fears gets easier the more you do it.

The first time I admitted that I “sorta, kinda, wanna be a life coach”, I started crying. I nearly had a panic attack writing my “about me” page on my website and could barely breathe the first few times I pushed “publish” on my blog. I’m so used to fear now it’s turned from a scary lion about to attack to an annoying house cat that pounces on your head once in awhile. When we do things that scare us, we don’t just accomplish our goal, we build a meta-skill that we can use every time fear shows up.

I no longer think putting my face on a shopping cart will endanger my life (I seriously believed it could). I’m sure someone will draw a mustache and boogers on my face but I think I can handle it now. I can’t say I will ever be able to shop with my face staring back at me from my cart, or even shop at that particular Safeway, but overcoming one fear at a time is enough for me.

The best books I have read about overcoming fear are…

Playing Big by Tara Mohr

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers

 

What can one small change do?

Imagine two different Moms. Both devoted to their kids. After years of intense time and attention poured into creating a great family, they both start to feel a little unsettled. Things they used to enjoy don’t seem as fulfilling. They have a longing for something new, different but they aren’t sure what. One Mom, I’ll call her Eileen, ignores this longing. She has the life she always wanted and doesn’t understand why she isn’t happy. Eileen tries to be grateful for what she has and keeps busy with social obligations. This longing doesn’t go away. She thinks about trying life coaching but she’s embarrassed and feels funny spending money on herself. In order to keep this restlessness under wraps, she suppresses other parts of her personality as well. She figures if she can just keep her kids happy, and do what she’s supposed to do, that’s enough. She starts gaining weight and worries about finances and the future. As the kids grow into teenagers, Eileen constantly criticizes herself for not being able to lose weight. This self criticism and embarrassment drown out the restless feeling. The thought of her kids going off to college gives her anxiety attacks. Without them, her life will be small and she’ll be left alone with her self-critical, anxious mind, not even realizing that it was her, ignoring her inner longing, that created her current unhappy state.

Now let’s take a look at the other Mom, I’ll call Elena. Elena pays attention to this longing inside her. She doesn’t know what to do but she feels an urge to start playing the piano, something she loved to do as a child but stopped. Playing the piano every day gives her the mental space to hear her inner voice more clearly. One day while watching her kids play at the park, a story took hold of her. This story, that seemed to download itself from the clouds into her mind, followed her home. She didn’t know what to do with it. She loved reading books but she wasn’t a writer. Ignoring this story caused the longing inside to get worse. One day, she was so sick of feeling yucky, she committed one hour a week to life coaching sessions. Working with a coach helped her trust the message her inner longing was trying to send her and move past the fear and doubt that it caused. She felt so free, she started running every day, giving herself more time to for this story to take shape. Eventually, the pain of not writing grew stronger than the fear of writing. Elena joined an online writing group and started getting up at 5:30am every morning to write her story. She continued to face her fears of having it published, having people read it, having people reject it. Elena got so good at facing fears, she felt invincible. Her kids watched this journey of Mom following her inner voice, overcoming obstacles and they learned to do the same. When her teens went off to college, they knew their Mom would be fine without them. They were proud and supportive of her, just as she was proud of herself and excited to have even more time to devote to this exciting life she had created.

Little things, over time, have a big effect. Learning to trust your inner guidance, going to bed 30 minutes earlier, cutting out soda, signing up for an art class, listening to Happier or other uplifting podcasts, hiring a life coach are small changes that can have a long lasting effect. As the new year approaches, think about one little change you can COMMIT to. Little changes grow into habits from which bigger changes can emerge. If you try to overhaul your whole life at once, it’s difficult to sustain.

When you get quiet, what do you feel yourself longing for?  It doesn’t have to make sense right away. Some of my clients have mentioned things like “I want to wear a business suit and heals” “I want more time in nature”  “I want to make money”  “I can’t stop watching HGTV”. These are all important things to listen to!

Don’t just go through the motions. CREATE the life your inner guidance is telling you is right for YOU!

Want more clarity on listening to your inner guidance and defining what’s next for you in 2017?  Come to my vision board party on Jan. 16th!

Ready to try life coaching?  I’ve got spots open for 2107. Sign up for your free initial life coaching call by clicking here.